At the same time, I am ever so much giving God control. These past few months, I have been completely broken where I felt like the pieces couldn't be put back together and that every part of me that I once knew and the things that I found important were no longer there. Its been a hard realization that when we just fall on our faces before The Lord that The Lord will renew our strength and teach us new things.
This summer, I was able to take part in a Bible study with 4 beautiful women of God, Caroline, Beth, Abby, and Lindsay. We did a Beth Moore study on the book of Psalms. Through that study, one of the themes that Beth said was important to God was to get prostrate and lay on our faces before The Lord each and every day. I didn't realize how important that was until recently. I didn't realize how important it was to get on my face in a humble way before the creator of the universe.
I didn't see how much of a problem this was until I was getting frustrated with God but I wasn't putting any effort into our relationship. I wasn't getting on my face before The Lord, I wasn't even saying good morning or good night to the creator. I wasn't even thanking God for bringing up the sun in the morning and setting it at night.
I then began to read in Jeremiah and I came across this verse that really spoke wonders to me.
"My people have committed two sins: they have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." Jeremiah 2:13
How true is this verse? Why do we do this to ourselves. Why do we allow ourselves to become so broken that we feel as though we cannot be put back together because we are selfish and we don't look towards God to mend our broken hearts or to heal our deepest wounds or to take away our sicknesses. God wants to give us the living water and we choose the trash. We choose the hard dirt roads when sometimes God wants to give us the paved roads. We choose to drink out of the broken glass out of the mirky stream when God is like "hey girl, or hey boy, heres this brand new sink here with fresh water. Heres a crystal glass for you to drink out of.
I'm so guilty of this. I take the hard road because I want the control. I take the hard road becasue I am selfish. I take the hard road because I have been blinded to the fact that I deserve better.
For the majority of my life, I have been spoken lies into my life that Satan loves to enlarge to make them feel like they are crippling me. It's insane how well Satan knows each of us, and unlike God wants to destroy each of us. I have been told lies that I am not good enough, pretty enough, and smart enough. I have been told lies that people don't like me, that I don't deserve peoples friendship, that people don't like me or love me because of something I've done. I've been told the lies of Satan that I will never be married because I'm not good enough. I've been told lies that I don't deserve a loving family, and I've been told the lies that I can't have nice stuff because I'm called to ministry.
Now back to that cistern. How many times throughout the day do we forsake God. We do this when we go through the grocery store line on our cellphones not even taking the time to thank our clerk when in fact we could have been placed there to be the light of Christ. We can forsake God when we don't take the time to love our family like we should-- as a father who spends all his free time at work, or a mom who yells at her kids more than hugging them. We forsake God when we gossip behind our friends backs. The word for forsake comes from the hebrew text that literally means, "to depart from, or to leave behind." When I hear this, it hurts my heart so very much. We make the choice to turn our backs to God. We make the choice to leave God behind. We make the choice to literally take a different path on the road from God which in the end just leaves us broken and hurt. It leaves us as these broken cisterns. It leaves us with missing pieces and questions without answers.
My goal for thes rest of my life (because I don't like New Years Resolutions) is to not allow myself to stray from the path of God. This semester I have strayed the farthest I ever have from the path of God yet God's faithfullness never ceased. Although I was frustrated becasue I selfishly couldn't feel God when I didn't put any effort in, God still help me in His loving arms and let me sit there and cry out. God brought people in my life to talk to Him on my behalf when I couldn't get the words out to pray. God put friends in my life to ask me the tough questions and to hold me accountable to who I am as a daughter of the King. God opened doors for me and placed my needs on the hearts of others before I ever saw them or understood them myself.
Tonight, I stand in awe of My Father in Heaven. Tonight I stand in awe of Mother God who is a beautiful nurturer and who loves me unconditionally. Tonight I stand in awe of my Daddy who gives me a gentle nudge with His heavenly power when I begin to turn in the wrong direction into dangerous territory. Tonight, I stand in Awe of my Best Friend who I can laugh with and cry with and make memories with. Tonight I stand in awe of the Creator of the Universe who has everything under control even though most of the time their creation is going crazy frantically flopping around like a fish out of water!
Father, Mother, Friend, Counselor, Lover, Husband, Daddy, Creator God. I love you! Thank you for putting back together our broken cisterns and allowing us to come back to that stream of Living Water. Thank You for allowing us to hunger for Your grace and peace and mercy. Thank You for caring so much about our well being that you just stand there and hurt with us and cry with us when we travel down the dark paths of life because of our selfishness. Thank You though most importantly for opening up your arms to us when we finally realize it is time to come home like the prodigal son! I love you Daddy!
Blessings,
Jaime
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