"At Your feet I lay my life down, and I am FREE"

Dear Daddy, my prayer is that through this post and through my life that You will be glorified. Help me to give all the credit about my life to You. Help me to not get caught up in my own failures, but to lay them all at Your feet. I love you Daddy, Amen =)

So today is Saturday April 30, 2011 and I can finally say that I am free and that nothing is hindering me from completely serving God anymore and it's the greatest feeling in the entire world! I'm so excited that God has redeemed me from a sense of self hatred where I didn't have any self worth, and that He has shown me that through Him I have purpose, and I have worth and it's a beautiful thing to see how much Christ has redeemed and healed my heart over this past year and how even though I didn't understand some things at the time they happened, but looking back it was all a part of God's amazing plans for my life and I can't wait to see how that is going to continue through the rest of my life.

Today I was listening to Casting Crowns song, "At Your Feet" and I wanted to share with you a few of the lyrics that have really been monumental in this healing process that I have gone through in the past several months... so here they are... "Here at Your feet, I lay my past down, my wanderings, all my mistakes down, and I am FREE"

It's crazy to think back to the beginning of this semester and how I just happened to go to Arrowhead Church for the particular Sunday that the sermon topic was, "What's Your One Word" At the time, I didn't have a clue how God was going to use that, but I am so thankful for that. My One word, after over a week of praying and contemplating, and searching, and being frustrated, was "FREEDOM." At that moment in my life, I didn't know the impact that 'one word' would have on the next 4 months of my life, and how FREEDOM in a sense was me becoming free of insecurities, and freedom from an unhealthy relationship, and freedom from self hatred, and freedom from feeling a sense of worthlessness, and freedom from the inability to look into the mirror. It's amazing to see this transformation and how it has taken place over this semester of college.

Dad, thank you for the friends that you have placed in my life this semester and last semester because through their love and acceptance I have had the ability to begin to see myself the way you created me and it's amazing! Thanks Dad you're the best!

Lead me with strong hands, because I can't do this alone

Wow! Tonight I was blessed beyond words to get two awards at the leadership banquet. As I looked around me at President O'Brien's home I saw so many leaders, so many beautiful people and so many people who give their hearts to service week in and week out at Carson-Newman. I can't explain to you how I didn't expect either of the 2 awards that I was awarded tonight. I am just blown away at the love that the people- students and faculty have in their hearts to serve The Lord. Tonight, though the most important aspect was when my biggest role-model and hero, Marilee Betz got 2 awards. In case ya'll don't know, she is literally my hero. As I look at her life, I can't help but see God shining all through her! It's just that everytime she has a conversation or prays or serves or when we watch Glee together or eats 3 Spoons, she just has the spirit of Christ shining through her! It's amazing to see her life and the beautiful person that she is! Tonight, so many times, I got the compliment that I was 'mini Marilee' or you're 'you're going to follow in the footsteps of Marilee' or 'you're going to be just like Marilee one day' Those comments blessed my heart more than words can say but also with me understanding that there's no way I can fill those shoes! God, I just want to thank you for placing me at Carson-Newman College! This is the most amazing place in the whole entire world!

Organized Chaos

This past week has been rather rough. I've come to the realization that many of my close friendships that have been made over this past year are with seniors who will be graduating in just about a month. I feel like over this past year though God has redeemed me and brought me through so much that I never would have imagined this time last year. God has healed my heart in more ways than I ever would have imagined and placed the perfect people in my life at the perfect time when I needed them there the most which has been incredible. One of the most valuable people I have in my life has told me on several occasions to "Do the hard thing" At first, she told me that about my decision of where to go to school. Countless times, I begged for her advice because I was scared to make a decision, and countless times her response was the same, "Do the hard thing." Over this past year there have been many times where I have had to do the hard thing, times where I have had to give up what I wanted most to do the hard thing, times where I have had to do some painful things in order to heal, times where I have had to be vulnerable and open up to friends because I couldn't hold everything inside any longer, times when I have had to allow myself to cry in front of people and lay my head in their laps with tears flowing down my face because I didn't know what else to do or what words to say. God has completely changed my heart though from the person I was when I came to Carson-Newman and I'm so thankful for that transformation. I have gone from being shy to having confidence. I have gone from feeling completely ugly to somewhat understanding that I am beautiful because I am created in the image of God. I have gone from not trusting to having the ability to trust my friends. I have gone from not feeling worth anything at all to having the ability to understand that I do have some worth. It's crazy to think where I would have been today if I didn't come to Carson-Newman and if I hadn't met the friends that I have. I don't know where I would be today if it wasn't for the friends I have made and the faculty who have treated me like I was their own child. Over the past year, I have grown to have the ability to trust Christ with my life completely and it has been so scary but freeing at the same time. It's awesome to be able to hear the voice of God and to also have the ability to do what God says. This summer, I thought that God's plan was for me to work at a summer camp. I thought, hey I'm up for the challenge, I'm up for completely trusting God. So I applied to 3 different camps and only got hired at one. In my mind and in my heart, I knew that it was what God wanted, I had confidence that since I only got hired at the one that it must be God's plan for my summer. January 13th, I made the decision to give God my entire summer and to use it for his glory. I signed the contract for Merri-Mac and prepared my family with the reality that i wouldn't be spending my summer at home. Little did I know at the time that in reality that God was preparing my heart for something even greater that would involve me making more decisions that I was scared to make. Spring Break came and I didn't have a bit of peace at all whatsoever about working at camp but I didn't think I had another option but I could tell that God was drawing me in another direction but I just couldn't tell what that was and it scared me. So we get back from Spring Break and within 2 days, I got asked by my friend what I was doing this summer and then encouraged to apply to work at a camp that a lot of my friends work at. That very next day I got an email from my pastor about a class that he is teaching this summer that I need for my major any way, a phone call from my old employer at a daycare asking what I was doing this summer because she would love for me to come work at the daycare again, and a phone call from my mom encouraging me to come home for the summer as well. So there I was in the midst of chaos with an already signed contract to work at Camp Merri-Mac and 4 people wondering what I was doing with my summer. Long story short, I have decided to go home for the summer with complete confidence in Christ, and comlete fear of the unknown because I don't have a clue what God is going to do in my life this summer, but I'm excited that He is choosing ot use me. Isn't it crazy how the creator of the whole univcerse pursues our hearts so that we have the desire to serve Him. Just a few thoughts for the day on how amazing our Father in Heaven is! =)

He Will make your paths straight..

So over the past several months, the verse that I have clung to has been, "In all of your ways acknowledge The Lord and He will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:6. For several months, I felt as though I did not even have a path in front of me because it was so clouded. I went through some moments that felt like I was blinded by lies and by deceit. I went through times when I didn't even want to get out of bed and start the next day because I didn't have a clue how the day was going to turn out. Finally though, I can honestly say.. I CAN see! I can see truth, I can see beauty, and I can see at least a little of the path that God has placed in front of me. I can see because I made the choice to not let Satan overpower my life and my thoughts. I can see because Christ loves me enough to show me truth. Christ loves me enough to forgive me when I screw up and to give me a second chance when I don't deserve it. Today I had the opportunity to go to the dam and watch the sunset. I was in awe of the beauty of God. The sky changed from a vibrant orange, to yellow, to hot pink, and then a hint of purple snuck into the sky. It was the most beautiful thing in the entire world. I then painted a picture of some mountains and a sunset and God really spoke to me through that. For the past several weeks I have felt like God wasn't directing my paths although I knew that he was the whole time. I had to make a decision about the summer and I didn't have a clue what I was supposed to do. For the first time though today I FINALLY have peace! I finally have accepted the fact that home is where I am supposed to be this summer. I have finally accepted the fact that God can use me wherever I am and that He will show me what I need to learn wherever I am. I am so excited to see how God is going to use me as I give my summer to Him. God, I WILL follow YOU! =)

College Life as I know it...

SOO I have now been in college for 3 monthes. Tomorrow I leave to go home for Thanksgiving and I'm honestly sad to leave my friends from school. I LOVE everything about Carson-Newman. I love the God focusedness of the whole thing. I love how I have made so many amazing friends who I know will be a part of my life forever. I can be myself around them, and they love me for who I am. I can't believe how fast these past 3 monthes have flown by. I've changed my major. I'm not going to be a teacher anymore, atleast not in a classroom. I know that I'm supposed to teach, but I don't think the classroom setting is for me. Right now my only major is Religion and I'm adding a second major in sociology probally some time in the Spring. I'm really excited about that too. I'm excited that I'm going to have a job where I can serve God and people all day every day. I can't wait. This past month has been really stressful because I've really been trying to listen to the voice of God, and discern His plans, and He keeps saying, "you'll know when you're supposed to know." It's kind of scary yet refreshing to be able to compltely rely on God for everything. I really feel that God wants me to work at Camp Merri-Mac this summer and I'm terrified because I'm not sure I'm as strong as I need to be with my walk with The Lord. I really have a passion to work with teenage girls so it's exciting for me to be able to do this. Although it shouldn't be, I'm scared about money and not having enough money to come to school here in the fall of 2011. I'm going to have to work my tail off to get scholarships and stuff in order to be able to stay here. I need more faith so that I can fully rely on the power of Christ to provide for my every need. I think a lot of times we don't take Christ seriously when He says, "take up the cross and follow me." Do we think Christ is kidding when He tells us that? No, definitley not. God doesn't want us to be caught up in material things. He wants us to rely on Him for our every need, and we can, and He will provide for us. It may not be easy, but it will definitely be worth it in the end. Lord, my prayer is that you help me to grow into a person who is not focused on material things and that you help me to live my life where I can live every second in your arms!

I remember...

SOO I leave for Carson-Newman in less than 2 weeks, 11 days to be exact. I'm SOOO incredibly terrified and yet excited at the same time to begin this new adventure people call life. lol. Lately I've just had so much fear built up inside of me. I'm leaving EVERYTHING that I have ever known, my friends, my family, my amazing church family, my home, my bed, and my comfort zone. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited to begin earnestly seeking God's will for my life, and where I will serve after college, and while I'm in college. But I'm scared to leave my church family, and that foundation for Christianity that they have built for me, and have helped me to build. It's almost as if while the foundation was being laid, they took my hand and strategically helped me to place each and every stone in it's proper place! It's so neat to look back and to see all of the influences that I have had in my life at RMBC. I'll name a few, but I'm sure I'll forget some as well. As far back as I can remember, and as my grandma has told me, that Granny Franklin took me from my grandma each Sunday morning screaming and crying, and she was persistent. She could have told my grandma to stop bringing me but she didn't, and along with Granny Franklin, there was Maxine Dean, who would love on me and make me feel welcome. Then there was preschool choir with Ann Booker, and Mission Friends with Mary Woerner. In the nursery, I remember my favorite person to keep nursery was Blair Peters, and April Purvis. I looked up to them so much as a young child and still do. Then as I got older, and entered the childrens department, there was Pam Carter, and Sharon Thomas and Jeane Wingfield, who would unconditionally love on us. Then when we were in 5th and 6th grade, there was Bea Bomar, and Glenda Rummage who taught Sunday school each and every Sunday, and I looked so forward to being in their class. On wednesday nights for a while we had Rob Casebolt for Childrens Choir, and then as I got older, we had Becky Cash for it. I remember Mary Carter, was such a role model for me, I just loved being around her, and talking to her. She was such a neat person. I remember moving up into the youth department and the first few months having Jim and Abby Thompson as our youth directors until David and Sharon were hired, and then having David and Sharon. I remember Mark Beck being our interim pastor who really helped us get through the transition period so easily. I remember Susie Poindexter coming to out church, and even though we weren't close at first, I consider her and Sarah to be my best friends now. Looking back, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have them in my life. They have had such a huge impact on my life, and they continue to impact my life on a daily basis, with their unconditional love and acceptance of me no matter what I tell them about my life, and they love me, and don't judge me for a bit of it, and that has been so crucial to my ability to trust. Then Derik, and Katie, they have really helped our church to grow. Derik always has a new idea, and it's so awesome to see how much our church has grown since they have been here. Bonnie Alldredge and her service through being our church secretary. I hadn't really had a conversation with her until we went on a mission trip together, and since then we have become really close which has been amazing. ALthough I have only known her for a year and a half, I feel like i have known her my whole life. I could go on for days and days about how much church family has impacted my life, but I really don't have the words to say how grateful I am to have been able to spend the last 18 years at such a mission oriented place as Randolph Memorial Baptist Church! =) I'm going to miss not being there every Sunday, but now is my time to take what I have learned there with my strong foundation and use it for the glory of God. Afterall that is what a church is for, to equip and then send right? This new phase of my life is about to begin, and i'm so excited about it! =)

Tonight!

So tonight, I had the opportunity to go to the Juvenile Detention Center, and my heart was incredibly broken for those guys. They each have so much going on in their lives, and each of them need to have the love of Christ. I told my life story tonight which was incredibly hard for me to do because I had never done it before. I was a little scared because I was around a group of people I had never met before. I don't really have any more words to say other than the fact that by telling my story, it took a lot off of my shoulders! =)