Over the course of the past 4 months, I have gone on a strike from talking to God. Don't get me wrong though, I'm pretty good at fake baking it. I go to church, I help with a youth group, and if asked to pray in a group I don't decline. Why is that? I know that I'm not the only one that does that. I know I'm not the only one in the whole world who feel disconnected. I know that I'm not the only one who doesn't venture into the beautiful scriptures for fear of what God may be trying to teach me.
To be honest, I have only read my Bible twice this whole semester of college. Why is that? Well if you really want to know, it's because I'm mad at God. I think that is okay though for a period of time. I think it's okay to look into the Heavens and cry out to God declaring your anger. That however is the only interaction I have had with God this semester. I don't have a problem crying out to Him with anger and fear and the inability to understand.
I will say however that I am ready for a change. I'm ready to have my best friend back. I'm ready to have my Rock and my Fortress back on my side to protect me from the tide of life. I'm ready to be able to see God's face in the laughter of a child, the breeze in the air, or even in tears of the broken. I'm ready to wake up in the morning with a quench that can only be filled by the grace and power and love of God Almighty. I'm ready to have theological conversations again with my friends. I'm ready to feel worth again of God's love. I'm ready for God to embrace me in His loving arms and hold me there when I feel broken or scared. I'm ready for God to send people to me again when I need to be touched or held. At the same time though, I'm ready to have the drive to serve again!
I feel God the most when I'm working along side the broken and the hurting. I feel God when a friend cries on my shoulder. I feel God when deaths occur. I feel God in the hospital rooms. I feel God while I'm sitting beside victims of rape or abuse of any kind. I feel God when I hear peoples testimonies of despair that turn into beautiful redemption. I feel God when broken relationships occur.
This semester, I have missed so many opportunities because I have let the broken people walk away from me because I have been too broken to love them. I have let people who needed me spend time by themselves when in reality that was the last thing that they've needed. I've let my professors down by not getting work done on time and work that was not 100%. I have let friends and family down because I have not been an effective lover. Lastly, I have let my self down because of my selfishness and my inability to look past circumstances to find peace.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. If you know me well, you will soon know that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I love it because I love my family. As crazy as my family is, I love each and every person more than anyone could ever imagine. We all have our quirks and weirdness but we all come together and love one another and support one another. Yesterday I realized how much I have missed this semester and finally after a lengthy time in the desert barely breathing and surviving each day, I FINALLY thirsted for the first time! I thirsted for Christ. I thirsted for scripture! I thirsted for love that I have pushed away! I thirsted for health! I thirsted for my faith to be relit because for a while I felt as though the fire had burnt out and I didn't know if it could be relit! If you ask me this year what I am thankful for, I could go on for hours, but I'll just name a few...
1. A God who continues to love me even when I give the cold shoulder for over 3 months.
2. A family who comes together to love even through the hard times!
3. Grandparents and great grandparents who selflessly give of themselves to make sure that I have the opportunity to become the best that I possibly can be!
4. Friends who are there to laugh with, joke with, be angry with, and to cry with.
5. Peace in times of struggle-- even if for only small moments in the day!
God Bless!
-Jaime =)
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