Beauty in the Ashes! =)

I wrote this in a journal back at the beginning of October and I decided to share this with you all....

Wow.. so it's been a while since I have written a blog post. My lack of posting reflects the lack of time I have had in the past month. The Lord has really been working in my life to help me to figure out what my dreams and passions are and how they relate to those dreams and passions of The Lords. Back in July I was having a really rough time figuring out purpose. I didn't know why I was home for the summer, or what The Lords plans were and out of pure misery and hopelessness I begged The Lord to break my heart for what breaks His. That was the hardest prayer that I had ever prayed and looking back, it was the best prayer that I have ever prayed. It has been hard these past few monthes because God has truly broken my heart for what breaks His. He has taken a lot of stuff from me, taken some people who I thought were going to be my closest friends, placed me in a difficult work environment, forced me to give up leadership in an organization I felt called to be the president of, give up leadership in an organization that I planned all of the speakers for, drop a class, and at times feel incredibly overwhelmed and burdened. He has allowed my great grandmother to be in the hospital and even chosen to place the life of an infant in the uterus of my beautiful 18 year old cousin. God has allowed one of my orientation girls' best friends to get raped and then from that become pregnant. God has allowed me the opportunity to move rooms and dorms and in the process potentially have lost what could have been a beautiful life long friendship. He also allowed me to run through a stop sign and hit a firetruck causing my car to be totalled. Through all of this, The Lord has shown me the beauty of His arms being wrapped around not only me, but so many other people in the world. God has blessed me with beautiful friends who allow me to vent, complain, and on many occasions this year, they have just allowed me to sit there, lay my head on their shoulders, and cry. It has been beautiful to see how in the friendships that I have here, how much of a mutual, literal brother sister relationship with them where I have complete confidence that we will be there for each other through thick and thin this year when the going is tough and when there is no resistence at all!

Today has been a really great day, The Lord has really blessed me by giving me back my smile tonight and I actually smiled for real tonight for the first time in a really long time! I think I'm starting to come back alive and that the numbness is wearing off a bit. I'm starting to be able to actually feel emotions which I think is a beautiful thing in moderation. I went this afternoon to the crisis pregnancy center here in Jefferson City to pick up a volunteer form. I LOVED IT! It was sooo beautiful and I really feel called to do some volunteer work there.

Tonight, we had BASIC, which is our Wednesday night worship service through the Baptist Collegiate Ministries. We had the complete blessing of hearing Mrs. Colleen Burroughs bring The Word tonight. She had a beautiful message on hearing the cry of the world and following The Lord and how our passions are the intersection of the Worlds cry and our passions. I then had the pleasure to go down to The Cereal Shak with some really special people in my life along with Mrs. Colleen. It was really neat how she interacted with us! She was such an incredible person to get to spend some time with. I'm excited about the opportunity to work at a Passport Camp in the future and about integrating Passport into my church at home!

Blessings,
Jaime =)

In the midst of a whirlwind but steady in Christ

I can honestly say right now that I do not have a clue what this upcoming year is going to hold, but I have peace about it that could only come through Christ. I haven't written in over a month and so tonight as I sit in my bed in the comforts of my home, I am going to share a bit from my heart. I left for school a little over 3 weeks ago to be an orientation and welcome week leader. I thought that I was just going to serve and to love on some freshman, and to get to spend time investing in their lives, but little did I know that The Lord had something completely different in store for me and for my life that I cannot even comprehend right now, but I know that when I am supposed to know He will guide and direct my steps and open up my eyes and heart for what He wants to teach me.

5 days before I left to begin my second year at The Newman, I had to go to the dr. and get some blood work done because I had been having some headaches and a few other problems and so the dr. wanted to do some blood work to make sure everything was okay. I then left for school on a Monday to begin working on the Orientation and Welcome Week staff. I got to do many new things such as White Water Rafting, and visiting just about every Wal-Mart in a 30 mile radius of C-N to purchase things for Orientaion. During that week before the freshman came, I met so many beautiful people that I didn't know, and The Lord really and truly blessed my heart when He placed those people in my life. Thursday afternoon came and I got a call from the dr. with the results of my blood work. She said that nothing serious was wrong but that she wanted me to see an endocrinologist and get some more tests done. I said okay, and got off the phone very apprehensive. I know The Lord is in control but sometimes it's just a little scary to have to go back to another dr. and get more tests done. The freshmen then came on Friday and I had a blast getting to know my group! They were all just a group of unique individuals and all of them were SOOO sweet! Monday morning, I got in my car like every other morning and headed towards the Campus Ministries House where I had a meeting. On my way there though, I did something that was not so smart. I ran a stop sign and after the sound of a car blowing it's horn, hit a firetruck and totalled my car. As first I was just in a sense of shock and I didn't know what to do. I called my friend Cassie who was at the meeting I was supposed to be at and her, Lexi, Chad, and Mrs. Nenette came and stayed with me through it all. As many of you know, I hate to cry in front of people but as soon as I saw the 4 of them come close to me, I broke down bawling and crying. It was probaly the scariest time of my life because I didn't know what was going on, my parents weren't there and I knew that I had orientation responsibilities soon after. I think right at that moment though, it was reaffirmed that I was where I was supposed to be because I had an amazing family there to support me! Cassie then took me to the dr. where I got my head checked out and a head ct scan done to make sure I didn't have any damage to my head where I broke my rearview mirror off with my head. That day continued with my beautiful friend Michelle walking me back to the dorm to make sure that I was okay, and then my day ended with me sleeping with my friends Andrea an Lauren so that they could make sure I was okay through the night. The next morning started off really well and the day was great. We even got shook up a little bit by the earthquake that we felt in Andrea's room. My week continued with this continual sense that I was being called to move dorms. I didn't understand it and still don't, but I am confident that The Lord will show me in His timing. So I moved dorms and am now living with my friend KB! Through the course of the past week, I also applied for and got a job at a daycare in Morristown where I will be working 15 hours a week.

I think these past couple of weeks have taught me several lessons:

1. It is okay to lean on and to get help from people who love you.. as Dr. Brummett would say, "Self-care is not selfish"

2. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness

3. Doing too much is not healthy and causes unneeded stress

4. You can't do everything

5. Just when you think everything is perfect, God may change things up

6. Trusting God is an act of Obedience

7. It's okay to say no

8. All Good things come from God

9. God is bigger than our biggest fears

10. God doesn't give us more than we can handle

Friends, sorry for my venting! I just wanted to catch you all up on my life and tell you a little about this year for me. The Lord has really taught me a huge lesson in giving up control. Having control is a huge issue for me, but although my plans and God's plans are seeming to not connect, I'm okay with that and I am willing to look towards God to see His plans unfold rather than looking into my own selfish heart to do the things that I want to do.

A Work in Progress

This morning at church for me was a time where I had to completely rely on the power of Christ like never before. A few weeks ago, one of my beautiful friends asked me if I would sing a duet with her. So we began to practice the song 'Blessings' by Laura Story. When we began to practice this song, I don't think either one of us knew what The Lord had in store for either one of us when we decided to sing this song in church. As I began to practice this song, The Lord just brought up so many emotions inside of me. At first, many memories from my past came up and it was hard to overcome them while singing. Then after singing through a few times there was this overwhelming sense of peace. One line that really spoke out to me was, "what if your healing comes through tears?"- This line just really spoke into my life and this past year. This past year for me was SUCH a healing process and along with that came MANY MANY tears. I think that sometimes probaly more times than not, along with healing comes tears. Okay fast forward to this morning. As Sam and I began to sing, the Holy Spirit I feel wanted to do a bit of healing in her life so therefore tears came. It was just a really powerful morning at church and it is super cool to see how The Lord works in ways that we don't fully understand! =)

In the midst of darkness there is Light

Today so far, and it's only 1:00 in the afternoon has been one of literally the hardest days of my life. For the past 2 summers, a week in November, and 2 weekends during April I have gone to a place called Manchester KY. I have spent times building relationships, I have spent times praising The Lord through singing. I have spent countless nights up into the middle of the night playing bananagrams, Phase 10, Blokus, or Spoons with some of the most beautiful people I have ever known. I have spent hours on the Manchester Baptist Church Van picking up and taking kids home along with passing out flyers for Backyard Bible Clubs. I have spent time building relationships with the people we served especially the Maggard family with their 3 beautiful boys Kevin, Alex, and Nathan. I have spent time walking around at the park with Drucie Brown just talking about life and being intrigued by the stories of Haiti that she has told me and just how dedicated she is to serving the Lord. I have made countless sandwiches with Vickie May and enjoyed playing games with her and Bonnie Alldredge. I have been adopted as the granddaughter of countless couples on my various LBA trips. I have spent many hours laughing and having a great time and also a few hours just on my face crying out to the Lord because I wanted so badly to help people and love on people and to show them the love that only Christ has to offer. During my times in KY I have been surrounded by beautiful Brothers and Sisters in Christ and it has been amazing to watch how each time I have left going to Kentucky not knowing very many of the people and yet came back feeling like family with each and every one of them. As I sit here and type this I am choking back tears as today so many of my friends have left to once more embark on this journey to Manchester KY but this time I am not with them. From the time I woke up this morning every little thing that has happened has reminded me of my times in KY. As I went to take a shower this morning I was reminded of the shower trailor that we showered in each day. As I went to straighten my hair I thought of how J and Lizzie and Reina and Ryan all burned Gummy bears with a straightner. As I went to drive down the road I thought of the bumpy roads up into the hollers in Manchester and I could picture the faces of the beautiful children we got to love on. As I walked into my church building and up the stairs, I thought about my beauitful friends who were on that journey to Manchester this morning and how many memories we made in the past two years as we journeyed together. I thought of Ann Booker and Bonnie Alldredge who have just loved on me on all of the LBA trips we have gone on together and how it was because of them that I was able to go on my first LBA trip because I had to have a chaperone in order to go. As I sat in Sunday School we were talking about Moses and how he had to be in the wilderness and to learn the wilderness so that later on he would be able to lead the people out of the wilderness. Although it doesn't completely relate, it sort of does. I feel like I am in the middle of a wilderness of sorts. I don't know all the details and a part of me in a way is frustrated that I can't be on this trip. I've been just on my face begging God to show me while I can't be on this trip and why whenever a door would open for me to be a part of this trip another door would close in order to make it impossible. As I go through this time of wilderness though I know that The Lord is directing and guiding me each step of the way and in His timing He will show me why this wilderness was a necessary part of my journey. I know that He has something incredible in store for me as I wait patiently or more in my case as I wait impatiently for Him to show me what is next.

As you read this, my prayer is that you will put aside my complaints as I just had to vent them and that you will this week be in prayer for my friends who are serving in Manchester KY. Pray that The Lord will do a mighty work while they are there. Pray that the construction teams will not only be able to meet their physical needs but that maybe through a hug or a smile they will feel the love of Christ and a seed will be planted. Please be in prayer for the backyard bible club group that they will be able to love on these kids and show them the love of Christ as well. Help the teams heart to be opened as they travel to the Gallilean home tomorrow and allow them to love on the people there as well. Pray for the cooks that they will not get worn down feeding so many people but that they will see their job as just as important as the other jobs. Pray also for the leaders in KY Ken and Carol that you will help them to feel encouraged by our team.

Fears and Healing

So the past two weeks have been an incredible roller coaster that I don't even know how to explain and The Lord has really working in my life. 4th of July weekend I went down to TN and my best friend from here came with me, Caroline. Friday night we met up with a group of my friends for Katelynn Davenport's birthday and it was so much fun to be reunited with my beautiful sisters in Christ. Until I was in their presence this past weekend, I didn't realize how much I had missed their presence in my every day life. Here at home, I have 3 people that I would call my friends this summer and out of those 3 here I have become closer to my sisters at school then my friends here. I can be honest with them and I know that they won't judge me for what I tell them about my life and what I am struggling with. If I need to talk to them I know that they would let me come to their room during the school year or call them when we aren't at school if I needed to talk or cry or both. But on the other hand my sisters at school are there for each other during the joyous times as well. We are there for each other on birthdays or when we make good grades on tests or when we just want to praise The Lord for His faithfullness in our lives. It's incredible how much God has blessed me with these beautiful sisters at Carson-Newman. Saturday Caroline and I hung out with some more of my sisters as well. Sunday though was such an eye opening day for me. I made Caroline go to two churches with me haha. First we went to First Baptist and then we drove to Knoxville to go to NorthStar. Pastor Scott like always brought the word and it was so great to be back at NorthStar. His sermon or atleast a point of his sermon that he spoke was about how a lot of times as Christians we get caught up in 'religion' and don't focus on our actual relationship with Christ. We do all of the 'good' things like being involved in bible studies, leading bible studies, going to Sunday School and worship, singing in choir, keeping the nursery, or whatever it is that we do each week. Pastor Scott really stepped on my toes and made me realize the importance of my relationship with Christ to become more intentional. Also, I feel as though my calling from The Lord is becoming a little more defined. I feel as though God is calling me to be a Pastor or atleast to add a pastoral emphasis to my religion major. I think this is a big step for me as in all honesty I don't have a clue what becoming a pastor would mean for my life. So if you're reading this, please be in prayer for me as I get some wise counsel in the next few weeks from some of the people in my life I look to for advice while making big decisions. I'm excited but in all reality I have no clue where The Lord is going to lead me in the future but I'm excited about this journey.

On another note, I have a crazy confession to make and I think this is God's way of showing me that I am no longer in bondage but I am free because of His grace. Ever since I was a little kid probaly late elementary school I have been terrified of dogs, like to the point of if a dog came anywhere near me I would literally go out of my way to avoid the dog and it was almost a paralyzing fear. This fear bubbled over into my home where if my dog, my very own dog was out of his lot when I got home, I could not make myself get out of my car but I would literally call my dad and get him to come hold the dog so I could walk into my house. So I went to Carson-Newman in the fall with this fear and it continued through the year and then I came home for summer after having to deal with some pretty difficult baggage through the latter part of the first semester through about the end of April and beginning of May which wouldn't have been possible without the help of some amazing friends who just listened to my crys and sometimes even just held me in their arms because I was upset or allowed me to sleep in their room because I was scared and that fear was completely gone. It was like I had never been scared of a dog a day in my life. I think that my fear of dogs came from a sense of bondage and that that fear came from something deeper. It's really cool to see how The Lord works and how He can heal our hearts even after they have been broken into a million pieces and you feel like you can't keep going.

So I know that was random and you probaly didnt understand atleast half of what I just wrote in that last paragraph but as our friendships grow, I am confident that my heart will begin to be opened to each of you and with time I will be able to share parts of my life story with you because it isn't my story, it's God's story!

Until next time, I hope you all have an amazing week!

The Holy Spirit, Julie Pennington Russel, and Baptist History and Beliefs

As I look back over my past year, I can't help but to look at the incredible power of the Holy Spirit in my life. During my first semester of school at Carson-Newman, I met an incredible woman of God, Julie Pennington Russell who came to speak to us during a chapel service about hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit where I had happened to be asked a few days prior by my professor if I would consider being a volunteer to help her out during the service. I quickly responded to the email, not realizing that this woman was so well known all over the United States and that her speaking would be just what my heart needed.

Flash backward about 6 monthes where my Pastor at my home church and I had been talking about ministry and somehow we began talking about me becoming a pastor. At that point in time, The Lord had not opened my eyes to that calling so when we began talking about it, I thought it would be something that would just go away, not something that would continuously nudge me for the remainder of the school year and into these past few weeks where I would finally begin to accept this calling for what it is. I can honestly say that a year ago today I was not in a place where I could fully surrender to the Lord because I had a lot of baggage that I had to get rid of first.

Okay, flash forward to the spring semester where Dr. Julie Pennington Russell came back to Carson-Newman to deliver a series of sermons known as the Ashe-Henderson Lectures. Her preaching melted my heart once more leaving me hungry for more from The Lord. At that point I began to realize and sort of accept the gifts that The Lord had given me.

Flash Forward once more to Sunday before last where the guest pastor, Rev. Mark Beck delivered the sermon with a message of answering a call and having your ears, eyes, and heart open for that transformation. Well, that may not have been what the sermon was about, but that is surely what I got out of the sermon. As I sat on the 2nd row of the sanctuary, the though of becoming a pastor was so clear and so vivid. throughout the whole service The Lord revealed so much to me. He spoke so much truth into my life and it was incredible!

Flash forward one more week to this past Friday, and as I'm sitting in class, my professor who is also my pastor, Dr. Derik Hamby, begins to talk about ministry and conflicts in the church. We then get on the topic of women pastors and Dr. Julie Pennington Russells name is mentioned, and how at times she was persecuted simply for being a woman in ministry. She had protestors on her first Sunday of being a pastor in Texas who called her a Jezebel and Harlet in front of her young daughter who then turned to her mommy and asked, "Mommy, what is a Jezebel?" My heart once again was just burning with a passion to serve The Lord. Burning with a passion to spread the gospel even when it is difficult.

So to sum all of that up and how all of those pieces fit together would be impossible It's one thing to understand what I'm trying to get across, but it's something completely different I feel to understand the thought process inside of my mind. I want more than anything to serve The Lord and to be used by Him. I want more than anything to glorify God in every one of my actions even when it's hard and people aren't supportive.

At this point of my life, I truly feel as though The Lord is calling me to become a pastor. If that isn't the case though, my prayer is that The Lord will open up new doors and new avenues in order that I may follow His will for my life.

Powerful Message

Today, God blessed my heart more than any of you will ever know. As I walked through the glass doors of my church this morning, I was greeted as usual by beautiful people like always, and as I continued down the hall way and up the stairs, God really laid on my heart to be aware and to keep my ears open as the day progressed. I didn't have a clue what that meant other than I better keep my eyes, ears, and heart open at all times. I guess before I continue I should give you some background information for my morning... A few weeks ago, my pastor asked me if I would consider teaching his class this morning and hesitantly I agreed, and as I began preparing and looking through the scripture, the character of Rahab really stuck out to me. Each of us have Rahab characteristics.. sure, we're not all prostitutes, but some of us are thieves, some of us lie, some gossip, some even may be prostitutes, some may have an addiction to food, or to money. We all in some way or another can relate to Rahab. So this morning, I literally got on my face before The Lord and cried out to Him begging for Him to open my eyes to something new, so that is just what He did. I taught Sunday School this morning, and I learned more this morning than my class I'm sure. I then went into the worship service and we sang some beautiful worship songs and hymns. We then had the sermon preached to us by the wonderful Mark Beck who blesses my heart every time he steps into the pulpit. He did a monologue sermon about the character of Nicodemus, and being born again. I've heard that term all my life but I'm not sure I really did more than hear those words on surface level. This morning though as I listened I thought back to this past year and what all The Lord has done through my life to bring a sense of healing, and peace, and love, and acceptance that I had never felt before. The Lord did this incredible thing with my heart where He literally in my mind laid my heart out on a table and I had this incredible vision of God not only mending my broken heart but of literally molding it into something new. If I get brave in the next few weeks I may attempt to actually paint what The Lord showed me this morning. It was this beautiful image of what Christ does in each of our lives. He takes away the broken pieces of out lives and creates something new out of those pieces. So in case any of ya'll are wondering how you can pray for me over the next few weeks, I would greatly appreciate your prayers to figure out my calling. As I sat in church today The Lord really reaffirmed my calling to be a pastor but it's something that I'm not 100% sure of yet and I think that is because of my fear of failure. The Lord is really working on my hear though in preparing me for ministry and I truly feel called to the Pastoral Ministry. It's a new avenue I'm traveling though as for a while everytime the idea of becoming a pastor came up, I really pushed it back down for the fear that I would actually become a pastor. So prayers for confidence and that God will place people in my life to affirm that Call would be amazing. I'm ready to embrace whatever The Lord has for me. So here I am letting go of fear, letting go of failure, letting go of pain, and embracing the idea of being a 'born again Christian' I'm excited about this journey as I know in the next several weeks The Lord is going to be revealing even more ot me! Praise The Lord for loving me just as I am!